Today’s Best Thing Ever: The New NINJA TURTLES Rap

This may sound like a terrible thing to say, but hear me out – I kind of hope you’re having a bad day. Because there is nothing in the world that will turn it around faster than this. Michael Bay Jonathan Liebesman‘s upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie will have a “Ninja Rap” of its very own.

Unfortunately, Vanilla Ice was busy fixing houses on TV so the responsibility fell to Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa and Ty Dolla $ign (featuring Kill The Noise and Madsonik). I’ve only ever heard of one of those people, but I have to give Juicy J points for the 80s-est rap name since the actual 80s and the hilariousness of the name Ty Dolla $ign.

The song, “Shellshocked,” is amazing.

Knock knock, you about to get shellshocked, indeed.

What people tend to forget though is that Vanilla Ice didn’t invent the genre of terrapin-based hip-hop. That honor falls to Partners In Kryme for their contribution to the soundtrack to the first Ninja Turtles film. And that there has been one of these songs in every one since.

You know how the first live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 1990 is largely remembered for its surprising lack of silliness and for being more like the comics than the cartoon? It might be because you’ve blocked this part.

Of course, no one, no matter hard they try, can erase Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap.” Whether it’s as a fond, kitchy memory or as the point where the franchise killed your childhood, Ice will always be there, in the back of your head, deep, sometimes so deep you don’t even know he’s there. But he is. Whispering. Go ninja, go ninja, go.

(Or you can watch the actual video for the song here.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is roundly hated by pretty much everyone and has been since the moment it hit theatres. The suits looked terrible, the plot made no sense and perhaps most importantly it had the worst rap song, “Turtle Jam” by Psychedelic Dust featuring Loose Bruce.

And if you think this was strictly a 90s thing, you’re so very wrong. There was even one by Gym Class Heroes in TMNT, the simply titled CGI film from 2007.

What is it about everyone’s favorite heroes in a half-shell that that musicians find so inspiring?

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Skott Stotland is a thousand monkeys in a man suit. He has been writing for the internet for over a decade.

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