I Wish I Were An Alien – The People Who Kill Santa Claus

Ever know that kid who broke the news to you there isn’t a Santa Claus? Every class has at least one child who gets a certain level of pleasure ruining people’s fun. Usually they wait until the week before Christmas when our eyes are wide with joy waiting for that jolly elf to break into our house to eat our cookies and leave toys underneath our tree. It’s a magical time they bash against the rocks. In my case it was Terry, and he came from a veritable brood of like-minded siblings. Though in his case he took it one step further by telling me Santa was, in fact, dead. I know that Christmas has past so I hope you forgive my rambling. My point is it doesn’t matter how old we get there will always be someone who wants to spoil our fun.

I recently read a Cracked article titled “6 Horrible Aftermaths Implied By Movies With Happy Endings“. I enjoy articles that try to pick apart all things nerdy to a certain extent, as long as it is done in good fun. For the most part this article pointed out the flaws for movies like Top Gun and The Karate Kid. I admit they made some valid points. The only logical aftermath in most of these cases was catastrophic. Then along comes the portion on Return Of The Jedi, which ends with the good guys destroying the Death Star thanks to the help of a bunch of Ewoks. They celebrate with their new companions for a while with dance and song. It stands to reason afterwards the rebels must leave to pick up the pieces of the empire leaving our furry friends to perish on a flaming ball of post apocalyptic death!

You heard me. This wasn’t just a logical interpretation made by fans on message boards, but some big-shot physicist worked the whole thing out that if the Death Star was destroyed in orbit over Endor the end result would be showering all with radiation and debris leaving us with flame broiled Ewok! He isn’t even leaving the possibility things could turn another direction. This guy spent his time to work out the only possible scenario. No other chance of survival or some sort of solar wind blowing the poisonous gas cloud further out to space. Nope. The empire is now free, but the Ewoks are no more. Or we could let the Empire win leaving whole galaxies under an oppressive world order. So we now get to choose between genocide or fascist rule.

I was perfectly fine living in my childhood ignorance that all would be well and good for our furry little friends. Why did he do this? No one asked him to figure this out; he just did it because he could. He doesn’t care if it spoils our fun as long as he can prove a point, and show how smart he is. So in a way yes he did in fact kill Santa Claus. Maybe I am being too harsh, but think about it for a minute. Will you be able to watch Return Of The Jedi in the same way? From now on all I am ever going to see are a bunch of burning little fur balls. Thanks, physics guy! You showed up just in the nick of time to ruin one more aspect of my childhood! Now that I think about it, perhaps I just helped to kill Santa too by bringing all this up? Crap.


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