NO JOE! Until Next Year.

One of the movies I’d been most looking forward to this summer was G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I’m a G.I. Joe fan; there’s just something about the fun and cheesiness inherent in a franchise about a “highly trained special mission force” that goes around dressed like the Village People. I’m also apparently the guy who liked Rise of Cobra.

This is why it is with such a heavy heart that I have to tell that G.I. Joe: Retaliation has been delayed. By a lot. By a whole lot.

(I know, Snake Eyes. I’m speechless, too.)

News broke today that Paramount and Hasbro were pushing back the release of the film, which was set for June 29, to March 29, 2013. The official reason is so it can get a 3D post-conversion. According to Variety, it’s getting converted because test audiences wondered why it wasn’t already in 3D. Hasbro’s President and CEO Brian Goldner implied it had more to do with boosting ticket sales in foreign markets. “It is increasingly evident that 3D resonates with movie-goers globally and together with Paramount, we made the decision to bring fans an even more immersive entertainment experience.”

Whether it’s either reason, or both, one would be foolish not to consider the releases of the past month and their impact on this decision. It’s hard to imagine Hasbro and Paramount not being encouraged by the surprisingly good post-conversion done with Avengers, and it’s equally hard to imagine them not being frightened by the failure of Battleship.

But really there are two big questions that need to be asked.

How massive will the reshoots that they’re going to try not to talk about be? You don’t push back a movie a month before its release just because some of the test audiences thought it should be in 3D. There must be something fundamentally wrong with the film. I’d put money on the test audiences having told them that too.

And what happens to the toyline? The figures were meant to hit stores in advance of the movie, and soon (next week, I believe). Some people have already started getting them from online sellers. Is Hasbro going to have G.I. Joe movie waves out for almost a year before the movie comes out and then… what, the post-movie figures they’ve already started work on for when the movie actually comes out? Don’t ever forget that at the end of the day everything Hasbro does is to sell toys, and this call from their film division royally screws their toy division.

Skott Stotland is a thousand monkeys in a man suit. He has been writing for the internet for over a decade.

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